This story was originally written by Sarah A. Kaider in 2007. Any redistribution or copying is henceforth illegal without the consent of the author.
Prologue:
The danger was imminent. Colleen ran past the strange building into the dark, abandoned night. The moon's glow was hidden behind layer upon layer of cloud, making it undetectable. She hadn't a light source by which she could clearly see. It was a cold night, barely 30 degrees outside, definitely cold enough for snow. Her short spurts of unsteady breath were fogging up her view. There was no sign of visible life other than those people running around her. No crickets chirping, no rustling of animals scurrying within the night, no owls hooting; absolutely nothing.
She was running with people she didn’t even recognize. Their shapes were distinguishable through the darkness, but she could not recognize their faces.
Who are these people? She thought to herself, Can I trust them? Or should I run away from them, too?
She was frightened. There was thunder and lightning, but there was no rain - something she should have remembered later on, but she didn’t.
The shapes of the other running people were heading into the woods, with Colleen right on their heels, and the danger still behind them. She started feeling light-headed from all of the running and the sense of danger. The adrenaline in her body rushed as fast as soda through a straw. The people she followed were calling out to her. She should have been afraid, she should not have trusted them, but somehow she did. Their voices sounded too concerned to be evil, but that was probably Colleen just being a naïve and gullible person.
They continued calling for her, seeming more and more like people who actually cared about her safety. The voice of the boy was the one she was hearing the most. He kept calling for her, and she had the most longing feeling to want to catch up to him, but he was too fast for her.
“I'm coming! What do we do? Where do we go?” She yelled to them, but they dared not tell her. The danger was up on their heels.
“Follow us, Colleen. Hurry! Don't look back. There's no time to lose,” the voice of the girl on Colleen's far left screamed.
“I don't understand. What are we running from? What do they want?” Colleen yelled to the girl, but she could not hear her. The girl fell far behind, and was being attacked.
Colleen tried to turn around, she tried to help the girl, but she couldn’t force herself to turn. She kept running farther despite the feeling of remorse for the girl who had only wanted to help her.
In the distance, the boy cried out for the girl, but Colleen couldn’t hear the girl's name over the sound of her pulse thumping in her ears. The sound became unbearable, but she had to keep going.
“Colleen, no matter what happens, I want you to run. Don't come after me. I love you always and forever!” The boy ordered her, then turned around sharply and dashed after the threat that was attacking the girl.
Colleen wanted to turn around. She wanted with all of her might to turn around and save them both, but she couldn’t. She was not in control of herself any more, her mind was taking over, screaming over and over again for her to get the hell out of there.
She was still running. She thought she was alone, but she was not. Colleen felt an arm grab her, and she screamed in terror.
“Colleen, calm down, it's just me. We must keep running or else they'll get us,” whispered the other boy.
He held her arm and they turned left into a deeper section of the woods. She caught a small glimpse of the boy. He was tall, blonde, meek–looking. They continued running through the trees. They had to duck a few times under branches that were too low for them, but they never slowed their pace.
“I don't understand! Please tell me what's going on! Who are we running from?”
The boy did not seem to hear her. “Colleen, we must make it back to headquarters before they get a hold of you. You're our only hope now!”
They continued to run through the thick. She could feel her heart jumping out of her chest; the sound that seemed to echo across the entire woods. She was afraid the danger could hear them. She tried to keep quiet, but her heart’s pounding only grew louder.
They reached a spot in the field where the trees had been cleared out. The boy let go of her, but kept running. There was the sound of crunching leaves and their panting as it became harder to breathe.
Colleen can remember how the sound she heard next affected her for as long as she can remember. It was the sound of bones breaking and the agonized scream of the only person she had left to protect her and tell her what was wrong.
There was suddenly a strong burst of wind, causing a dramatic drop in temperature.
She knew this was the end for her, that even if she continued to run, she would be caught. She did something then that shocked her. She turned around.
Wow. I'm only aggravated becase now I want to read more! :D
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! :D That means a lot!
DeleteDefinitely grabbed my interest, would love to read more!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I'm glad you liked it! I cannot wait to get it published. I really hope people like it. :D
DeleteWow. What a cliffhanger there at the end. Great writing, but I do have a suggestion or two: Try to mix up sentence forms/structures/lengths/etc and not use so many semicolons. I used to do the same thing until someone else helped me realize the cons of it. Shorter sentences help to build up in this type of situation - kind of like heart beats are short pulses, make your sentences mimic it to make the reader feel it. It is a little vague too, so if it's not a dream, which it feels like, I'd suggest to offer more detail and/or imagery, so we can put ourselves into the story, instead of just reading about someone else's experiences in the story. Thanks for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it! It's funny that you mentioned it could be a dream, because that is exactly what it was. The book starts out with a dream which alludes to events that are supposed to occur later on.
DeleteI will definitely try varied syntax throughout the rest of the book. I do tend to use semicolons a lot. Sometimes I feel that my shorter sentences are too short, but I will certainly give it a shot.
Thank you very much for your feedback. It means a great deal. :)
I deleted some of the semicolons and made a couple of the sentences shorter. Let me know what you think. :)
Delete